The Diary, err Captain's Log Of James McCloud
by seineke-pyera
Summary: Complete. Chapter 8 is up. James's final memories are on a taperecorder. In case no one understood, James loves Ramen Noodles.
1. Entries 1 to 3

Wow…Chibi has not written for in ages.

Ok, here's the thing, this ish Chibi's very first Star Fox fanfic. Be nice please. She ish used to writing anime.

The story is set post SFA. The A is for Adventures and not Assault. It ish set just before Assault starts. Although I may decide to let Tricky appear for comic relief.

Disclaimer: Chibi does not own StarFox or Nintendo otherwise you wouldn't see this disclaimer. But since it ish here Chibi no own SF.

Chapter 1- I can't think of a name for a chappie title

"FOX?" Wheezed an old voice from the living room. "FOX!" With no response coming, the aging hare decided to find him personally.

"Now where is that—ah! R.O.B! Can you locate Fox for me?"

"Sensors indicate that his Arwing has left the docking bay"

"Hmm, yes well, it is the anniversary of his father's death. He's probably visiting the grave right now"

Many years ago on Planet Venom the fateful day where Pigma Dengar leaked out the information to Andross about an upcoming attack occurred. Looking back at that day, Peppy realised the signs of betrayal had been there: the sudden refusal to eat with the crew, paranoia, always lurking by his self, trying to hide his blasters and information from the crew—why didn't he pay attention? James was doubling as the leader of their crew, father...no, tripling, he had to be a good husband to Vixy as well. He had so much on his mind! That very night before the attack he wondered if James even slept- he did often have insomnia when away from home for so long. Was the attack going to be successful? Was he going to live? Would Fox finally pass History this semester so he could graduate high school? Why does wood float?

But what was done was done. James was dead leaving both Fox and Vixy devastated. And even before Fox could take over his father's position, Andross had Vixy murdered, giving Fox one more reason to gut Andross alive. And all this happened five years ago.

"Sensors indicate the return of Fox's Arwing."

Peppy turned and walked down the corridors to the docking bay to find Fox. Krystal was also there; at Fox's request there had been a passenger seat installed in his Arwing. After helping his girlfriend out of the Arwing, Fox turned over to find Peppy waiting for him. He waved slightly, and Peppy approached them.

"I received a letter today from your father's lawyer. After five years from death it was in your father's will that his captain's log could become public knowledge"

"My dad had a diary?"

"You have a diary Fox," teased Krystal. "Don't we all have one?"

"No, I have a captain's log, the rest of your have your diaries."

"Yes, well, captain's log or diary, whichever you prefer to call it, James's is now to be public knowledge."

"Why would dad do something like that. Speaking of which, I never knew he wrote one! I want to look at his first! I wonder what his missions were like?"

Fox looked at his Arwing and beamed with delight, knowing that James would be more than proud of him with all of his accomplishments. He had avenged his death, avenged Vixy's death, and paid back the loan and much more. But his father's dia-err, captain's log…

"Well, where is it Peppy?"

"It should be in your room, buried somewhere. That was also his room too you know."

"oh yeah…."

"Fox! I just cleaned your room three times this week, and you've lived here how long not to notice? Serves you right, hon" Krystal skipped happily towards Fox's room, but Fox was determined to get there first. But both of them ran into Falco during their race so Peppy got there first.

After a few minutes search through a room that made Falco's sock drawer appear majestic, the captain's log of James McCloud was located. Fox grabbed it out of Peppy's paws and opened it…..

Captain's Log: Day 1- 

_Hi. My name is James. I have a fiancée and her name is Vixy! She's nice and knows how to cook. But enough about that, today my dream of Star Fox was finally realised. It cost a hell of a lot of money, but it was worth it. I invited my two best friends since boyhood: Peppy Hare and Pigma Dengar to help._

_James_

_Day 2-_

_Caught Pigma looking up Vixy's skirts. Pelted him with M&M's so now he has bruises. Vixy attempted to castrate him. Damn, I love that girl._

_James_

_Day 3-_

_HI!_

_James_

Those were the first two pages of James's captain's log. Fox closed the book for a minute and looked at Krystal. Slippy and Falco had entered the room and were sitting on the floor. Peppy sat in a chair by a desk. After reading the first two pages to them, all Fox had to say was-

"Peppy, was my dad on crack or something?"

End chap 1

Hey, I hope you liked, there aren't enough fics about James around. I won't be able to add the next chap for a bit, but if I get some reviews I'll ignore my schoolwork and keep writing this.

Chibi


	2. Entires 4 through 15

**This ish Chapter two of Chibi's very first Star Fox fanfic! She hopes to continue with this story and write longer chapters. Again, the story is set after Adventures but just before Assault. We need more fanfiction about James! And hilarious ones at that! One more thing- thank you to anyone who reviewed and to the one person who offered the constructive critisims it was very much appreciated. This ish the first StarFox fic so Chibi ish on new feet and she will check the fic recommended a.s.a.p. The idea of the fic was to be comical and she didn't want to much seriousness into it, but hey, is you say so.**

**Spiritof the late James McCloud, do the disclaimer**

"**Absolutely not! I refuse to comply with the wishes of an insane writer."**

**This insane writer controls the lives of your son and his friends!**

"**I find the afterlife much more entertaining than the living world."**

**Then why can't you ascend?**

"**The psychotic writer, Chibi, does not own Star Fox or Nintendo otherwise I wouldn't have to put up with this nonsense!"**

**You'd have worse James.**

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

00000000000000000000

Chapter Two- ah, yes, more entries

"No Fox, your father was not on crack."

"Then tell me why the third entry is just the word 'hi' with a page filled with exclamation marks?"

"I don't know Fox."

"Keep reading it Fox, your old man was just as crazy as you are now," retorted Falco. The feathers on his neck were pricked upwards in annoyance.

"I am not crazy! At least I can go through a mission without needing my hide saved. How many times do I get enemies off your ass?"

"Anyone who is obsessed with pixie sticks and eating twenty of them under thirty seconds like you are is crazy. Oh, and don't forget how you snorted two. The big ones too!"

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M CRAZY!"

"Day Four," began Krystal, reading over Fox's shoulders…

Day Four- 

_Some strange planet by the name of Sauria in the far corners of Lylat was having problems. From what I understand, Sauria has many different species inhabiting it- Cloud-Runners, Earth-Walkers, Light-Foots, Red-Eyes, Sharp-Claws, Thorn-Tails, High-Tops, and Snow-Horns. The problem is that the Sharp-Claw tribe leader, General Scales is acquiring an abnormal amount of power and has hinted for a possible war for the other Saurian tribes. This has upset Gen. Pepper greatly because he fears the newly elected Sharp-Claw leader may eventually pose a threat for the rest of the Lylat system. I was sent by myself to speak with several tribe leaders. I will arrive tomorrow to speak with the young King Earth-Walker and Lady Cloud-Runner. But not together, no they hate each other! I guess it makes sense- earth-cloud…walker-runner…I wonder if the Cloud-Runner tribe can fly. Pigma is searching for information about the tribes online but it doesn't look like have any websites. Or blogs. Are the Saurians primitive? I'd better go finish my dinner- Ramen Noodles! Cheap as can be and fill the belly._

_Spoke to Vixy for three hours on the phone. She misses me and I really miss her. It's kinda lonely not having someone to nuzzle against at night. I'll keep a picture of her with me the entire time. Hopefully once this mission is over we can finally get married. I feel bad for her- it must be hard having to wait for and undecided amount of days before she knows if I'm alive and then when I can come home. I'll do my best to buy her many presents then._

_When you close the door in the refrigerator, what happens to the little light?_

_/James/_

_Day 5- _

_Arrived at the Walled City in the morning and spoke to the new King. He was more interested in flirting with some female Earth-Walker than his own people! He did, however, share many pixie sticks with me. I love pixie sticks. I snorted a few for the odd nasal feeling. After some time I was able to speak diplomatically with the King, i.e., I hooked him up with girl he was infatuated with. I managed to convince him that the Sharp-Claw could not possibly be a threat for several reasons-_

_They have a weak army. It is new_

_Gen. Scales is an idiot._

_Love is much more important than war._

_The third reason is what really convinced him._

_Later that Afternoon._

_Flew to the Cloud-Runners' Fortress. Lady Cloud-Runner was very nice and showed me to a nice place where I could buy Vixy some jewellry. Heh, exotic too. It wasn't even that expensive; the necklace I bought would cost a fortune if I'd bought it at Corneria. I also managed to convince the Lady Cloud-Runner, but only used reasons one and two. The Lady is very young; if she were the same species as myself or any other Lylatian, she would be approximately fourteen._

_I've decided to go to Thorn-Tail Hollow and the Light-Foot Village next. Lady Cloud-Runner advises that I be careful around the Light-Foots. I'll heed that advice. She also gave me some pixie sticks! HAPPY DAY!_

_/James/_

_Day 6-_

_I hate the Light-Foots._

_/James/_

_Day 7-_

_Damn, I really hate these Light-Foots_

_/James/_

_Day 8-_

_Let me explain why I hate the Light-Foot Tribe. First, I was minding my own business and decided after visiting Shabanuga the floating dinosaur shopkeeper to go to Cape Claw. After all, he's thinking of relocating his shop there. I did buy some maps for various areas for twice the market value! Also, planet Sauria's currency is scarabs- dung beetles. I had a nice amount, but twenty scarabs for a map of Thorn-Tail Hollow? I could have asked the gatekeeper for a better map at a better value! While traveling, I saw a baby Light-Foot trying to get fruit from a tree. Being the good citizen that I am, I got the cute Light-Foot some dumbledang pods. Next thing I know, I'm unconscious and locked in a little hut without my blaster or P.D.A. But I had you and a pen. The leader of their tribe's reason?_

"_No ted'k cabo jkoodbadw vehoadohj!" _

_Translation: we don't like steenking foreigners!_

_When I told him I was only trying to give the baby Light-Foot a fruit and try to calm down the various tribes because they were uneasy about a possible attack from the Sharp-Claw…_

"_No ted'k cabo jkoodbadw jkuhj!"_

_Translation: we don't like steenking liars._

_Idiot_

_I then decided to trade some pixie sticks for my freedom. Surprisingly, that worked. It seems the Light-Foot chief's son Muscle-Foot loves these. I managed to trade in a few large ones for my P.D.A and blaster to be returned._

_But back to the mission- the Thorn-Tail had no problems agreeing with no war and they even agreed to send someone to speak with the High-Tops and Snow-Horns for me. I just found out today that the Cloud-Runners already spoke to the High-Tops. I have made friends!_

_Checked out Cape Claw. Not bad. I think I'll take Vixy down to the beach here for a romantic stroll. She'd love it here, I just know! Gathered up lots of sea shells for her. I hope she likes them._

_Since the Red-Eyes are good friends with the Sharp-Claw I've decided to not visit them. I'll be leaving Sauria tomorrow. I have many presents for Vixy._

_/James/_

_Day 9-_

_I'm back on the Great Fox. I haven't slept all day. I'm headed straight for Corneria. Ate three containers of Ramen Noodles. I was famished! Can't sleep_

_Later_

_Do happy things make people happy?_

_Three Hours later-_

_If I never blink will time stop flowing?_

_Day 10-_

_I'm on Corneria now. I'm also at the house I bought for Vixy and I. I arrived at Corneria early in the morning and eventually fell asleep. Pigma's also here because he arrived a few hours ago. He's very fond of Vixy and a complete pervert! Peppy will arrive shortly for the dinner party. Vixy's making a nice meal of something. She's also wearing the Cloud-runner necklace I bought her! She loves the presents I brought her._

_Later that night—_

_Pigma's going to the red-light district. I don't approve of that area and Peppy's home. I'm gonna spend this night with my Vixy. _

_/James/_

_Day 11- _

_Woke up late. But I had the best night. I won't fill you in on the details, because well…some things are too personal to be written down. But I'm sure you can make assumptions. I sure do love smores. I nearly made the microwave explode though…_

_I have to return to the Great Fox within a few months. I probably won't write in you everyday because I'm not on missions. However, if I don't write for a month, the next entry will still say "Day 12" because I like being difficult. Vixy ate a lot this morning! I wonder why…she'll get fat at this rate but then all of a sudden she threw up all over me. I have a feeling it was because of all she ate. Can you imagine she beat my record of pixie stick consumption! Thirty pixie sticks under thirty seconds! That's less than one pixie stick per second. She also ate three boxes of cereal under one minute. Does she not eat when I'm around?_

_To what degree is a marshmallow burned?_

_/James/_

_Day 12- three weeks later_

_I've married my sweet Vixy! She nearly castrated Pigma when he tried to lift up her dress. I watched for three hours while she chased him with a chainsaw in her wedding gown. She has such tiny feet. I've never seen a person eat so much before! She ate almost all of the wedding cake and when she had to shove some in my face, she licked it off. I didn't see her near the end. I think she was throwing up. Poor thing, I think she's mad at me because I will be away so much. I offered to let her blast me with a daemon launcher, but she refused the offer. Something doesn't seem right but I can't figure out what it is. I'm taking Vixy to Aquas for a week. We'll spend some quality time together._

_How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?_

_/James/_

_Day 13-_

_We'll be leaving to Aquas soon. Tomorrow is the departure date. Received many gifts from everyone. Gen. Pepper came and congratulated us. Poor Vixy just isn't herself lately. She's been sick. _

_Later_

_I decided to postpone the visit to Aquas and set Vixy up for a doctor's visit. She wasn't exactly thrilled to hear this because she insists that she's fine. She was really looking forward to going to Aquas. I took her to the theatre to watch the new Spam-a-lot play. I love those people. Treated Vixy to ice cream when the play was over. That was a major dent in my wallet; she is still eating like no tomorrow. Vixy's downstairs watching some soap reruns and I'm writing to you. I really shouldn't though, because this isn't a mission. It's my life and how I choose to live it. But maybe, some years after my death, people will read this and laugh. Or maybe when I'm old and bed bound I'll read you again for laughs. _

_I received some mail today from King Earth-Walker and Lady Cloud-Runner. It seems my wedding was public knowledge on Sauria and they offered congrats. Chief Light-Foot even sent me a package. He warned me not to be a "steenking cheater to my new wife." As if! There's no one in the world for me except my Vixy. If I wanted to court some other woman, why would I have married Vixy? At least the presents were good- exotic fruits and candies. In his letter, King Earth-Walker thanked me for getting the girl of his dreams to be his mate. Yeah, whatever buddy. Lady Cloud-Runner wishes she was old enough to get married. It's too bad some of the Saurians couldn't come. I got along with many of them…except those damned Light-Foot._

_When you sneeze and cough at the same time what is it called?_

_/James/_

_Day 14-_

_VIXY'S PREGNANT!_

_/James/_

_Day 15-_

_What the—I can't believe I'm going to be a father already! I took Vixy to Aquas as promised but I still can't it out of my head. Her gestation period is two months and she's been pregnant for three weeks! That means in a little over a month I'm going to have a child. I'm so excited, but I'm scared as well. I love children very much but I've never had to deal with them often. I had brothers and sisters from my mum's litter, but it's not like I had to baby-sit any of them. Growing up we were all we had. Its not to say we didn't have money, but there were no other children in the neighbourhood. Oh, I have the ability to deal with children but it's so much different from a parent's perspective. You can be much more open as a child. Insults flow freely, fists fly and tempers are lost. As an adult, you must be patient, kind, and understanding._

_Aquas is nice. Vixy's becoming more buxom because of her pregnancy and looks very nice in a bikini. Even though the baby is beginning to show. Or will she have more than one? I was born in a litter of six and she was a single birth. I'm excited either way!_

_/James/_

Fox closed the captain's log for a bit. It was time for lunch. Falco and Slippy rushed out to race to the kitchen. They ended up crashing into each other and nearly sent R.O.B flying! Poor R.O.B, all he was trying to do was get the ship to Corneria. The log was to be public knowledge and they had a course set for the attorney's office. Peppy walked out, using a cane to support him as he was getting on in age. Krystal remained with Fox as he hugged the log against his chest.

Him

He was about to be born. He knew how he acted as a child, but now a new perspective of it. Also, there's just a warm feeling you get when everyone is talking about you and remembering you. It was almost as if his father was right here telling him these tales.

They acted the same. The both loved pixie sticks. And they both traveled to Sauria and dealt with the various tribes. His father also had a hard time with the Light-Foot chief. He had known King Earth-Walker before he had married and before there was a Tricky. But…why had the King never mentioned this before? Or the Queen Cloud-Runner?

Krystal rubbed Fox affectionately against his neck and motioned for him to join them for lunch. Fox smiled to her and let her go ahead. He'd catch up with them soon. After Krystal left, Fox went to R.O.B

"Change of plans R.O.B. We are going to Sauria. Change course immediately."

"Affirmative."

END OF CHAPTER TWO

**So, what do you think so far? Chibi hopes you like it. Ok, now clicky the button that says "Submit Review" so she can get some feedback. She will try to incorporate some reader suggestions—if there are any.**


	3. Stupidity meets Fatherhood

**The story was intended to be comical and nothing more. Hey there, long time no see? Gomen nasai for the long absence but Chibi hopes this next chapter makes up for things. With major testing and family events that she was forced to attend this chapter just could not be written.**

**Checking through the reviews Chibi most appreciated the one that seemed to demand seriousness to the story. It was originally planned that James would start to become smarter after Fox's birth so your suggestion will be fulfilled. Fox, however, is another story because he will be a child.**

**Oh wow there is a subplot developing. Chibi just wanted the legacy of James and some stupidity. All right, a lot of stupidity. We will be skipping entries a bit because there is no way Chibi would write thousands of entries.**

**WE WILL NOT BEGIN WITH DAY SIXTEEN**

**Now that all is said and done will stupid please do the disclaimer?**

"**I thought I was going to be serious now"**

**You will be but I just enjoy making fun of you. Make the readers happy or else they will go away**

"**Run for your lives and murder this author"**

"**Look since my dad won't do it I will. Chibi Kaiyaska does not own Star Fox, me, my dad, or any of us. And I am a better pilot than Falco"**

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Chapter 3- Stupidity meets fatherhood

While R.O.B was turning around the Great Fox, Fox joined the rest of his crew for a nice warm meal. Peppy was recalling fun times when he was a youth, Falco was flinging vegetables at Slippy, and Krystal was at the verge of beating them with a rice cooker. After dinner it was decided to continue reading.

"Hey Peppy?"

"Yeah Fox?"

"Why did my dad always ask such stupid questions in his journal? How old was he at this time? He was much different when I was growing up."

"Your father changed a bit after the birth…s"

"Ok so after my birth he became a bit more strict but not so strict that I didn't sneak candy for breakfast. Wait, did you say 'births?'"

"Fox! You did not tell me you had siblings! I told you all about my brother and sisters on Cerenia and many misadventures we had. You aren't telling me everything…"

"Day seventy," as Fox flipped through a section of the book.

_Day 70,_

_Today has been nothing more than mass confusion. Vixy began to feel seriously ill this morning so I rushed her to the hospital. We figured it was nothing more than the babies. When we got there Vixy began coughing up some blood, so I rushed over to get some nurses to help. We are not sure what went wrong but something happened. There were twins, two boys, and one of them is dead. None of us are sure what killed him. I named the one who is alive Fox. Vixy named our other son Neym. He will be buried with her side of the family in the mausoleum. _

_Peppy and Pigma arrived not so long ago and cooed over Fox. Dr. Andross also came and offered condolences over the deceased Neym. I also suspect that he was trying to annoy Vixy by saying that because Neym had my genes that he was destined to die. He also was saying if she married him it would never happen. I know my Vixy well and she would have maimed Andross if she had not been in so much pain. Andross's two-year-old nephew, Andrew Oikinny, was also there. I have never seen such a pansy ever before in my life. I hope Fox does not become like him. I hope to teach Fox Arwing skills by five years old. Neym will be buried tonight._

_/James/_

_Day 83,_

_I had the most riveting day. And I'm being sarcastic. Vixy and I went to my parent's house so they could see Fox. While I was holding him, he grabbed a hold of my ears and yanked on them very hard. Instead of screaming and yelping in pain I calmly asked Vixy if she'd like to hold him. Just as she was about to take him he threw up all over me. I still smell of vomit._

_After I'd taken a shower, Vixy had already fed Fox and he was very interested in playing. My parents fussed over him and spoiled him heavily. When I picked him up to play with him, he needed to be changed. Vixy made me do it…and I've never done it before. I reeked like feces._

_After bathing a second time and being fed by my parents I took my family home. Fox fell asleep on the car ride back. A while later we came home, Vixy put Fox upstairs, and we began to watch the television. Lo and behold, Fox began wailing. Vixy and I went upstairs to check on Fox, and guess what—he ends up throwing up on me yet again._

_/James/_

_Day 100---something_

_I give up on dating these entries. I haven't written for a year. I'm back on the great Fox on another mission. A large group of space pirates have caused problems and are hiding on Planet Fichina for refuge. We'll be arriving on Fichina tomorrow morning. Actually, it is tomorrow morning, so I'll be arriving at five A.M…in two hours. _

_I know I'm on the great Fox when I can't sleep for a week and function properly. I'm eating ramen noodles by the boxes again. I miss those nice, cheap, filling noodly goodness._

_/James/_

_Later—_

_What's the point of cleaning the bathtub when we'll only bathe in it later?_

_/James/_

"He did it again Peppy."

"Fox, your father only thought of those inane questions when he was sleep-deprived. And he never slept well whenever he spent the night on the Great Fox."

"Why was that?"

"I don't know. Maybe he was nervous, or anxious, or excited, or maybe he just plain out missed his family so much. He didn't always adapt to new environments easily. He got homesick very easily."

_Yet another day past 100,_

_Arrived on Fichina seven days ago but succumbed to hypothermia within three hours. I've been in the hospital ward for the past few days. My immune system doesn't love me. Peppy and Pigma had to take care of the thieves but were unsuccessful. Finally, I took my ill body and put it into the Arwing to face off with the thieves. I shot all of them down into ice-cold waters. Then I passed out inside my Arwing because of my fever. I'm still feeling a bit woozy but I stayed up all night to watch the late night news. Dr. Andross was in the news but I dozed off before learning why. I think I'll call Vixy later to figure things out. Or Andross himself._

_/James/_

_Later-_

_Why does wood float?_

_/James/_

_Day blaaaaaah blaah hundred_

_I received a call from General Pepper. It seems Andross has been secretly performing illegal experiments and creating massively destructive weaponry without the knowledge of the Cornerian army. I suppose that since they are calling it illegal then they probably did not know. If they did not I would be getting the call to look at the shiny explosives. Pepper is an idiot. _

_Now I'm not going to go straight on and confront Andross. I'll have Vixy do it because she has been acting like a tyrant. But I cannot say that to her face- she'll kill me._

_I'll be arriving back on Corneria within a few months. I hope this schedule doesn't stay like this. I'll never be ever to spend anytime with Fox or visit Neym's grave. I complained to Pigma and he didn't say much. He was very interested in learning more about Andross. I told him that it was his duty to research it._

_He seemed very happy about that._

_Peppy popped a disk in his spinal cord so he'll be in surgery for a long time. I hope he turns out alright. I've only been in surgery seventy-four times for Arwing accidents. I have also spent a few nights in the hospital from running into a speeding car at the age of eight. I still have that scar…_

_I've been spending the past few days in front of the television watching old black-and-white movies. I suppose it's better than doing chores._

_/James._

_Day 148,_

_I finally recounted all of entries to determine that I have written one hundred and forty-seven entries during that last seven years._

_Fox is spending the next month in detention. He and his good friends Falco and Bill decided it would be amusing to take a row of sewing needles that were strung together with a thin wire and put each needle in a different outlet. I wish I were there. I pulled pranks like that when I was his age all of the time. To finish the story, the school suffered a major blackout and they were only caught because after hearing the story Vixy happened to mention that she was missing all of her sewing needles. The principal of the school did some thinking and it was traced back to Fox and his cohorts. During the conference with the principal I secretly congratulated Fox on the witty prank he and his friends pulled. Unfortunately for me, he told Vixy about that. Now I'm in trouble and Fox won't be able to practise on the Arwing for three months. And he's been getting so good with his pilot skills too!_

_I'm going to teach Fox the art of pranks without getting caught. But I must also do it without being caught by Vixy. There are so many things I could teach him from the time I was young. I'll ask Pigma for assistance. However, I'm hesitant on that because he's been so busy trying to figure out what's going on with Andross that he won't have anytime for mischief making. I told Fox that if he behaves himself for those three months we'll set off firecrackers in the basement on Cornerian Independence Day. He asked if he could invite his best friends and I told him I would consider it. He just had to swear that he would say nothing to Vixy though._

_I received a letter from Lady Cloud-Runner of Sauria. It seemed that she's gotten herself married. The Chief Light-Foot's son Muscle-Foot is growing bigger. Light-Foots live for about several hundred years so Muscle-Foot is actually about the age of a twelve-year-old child. And with a healthy pixie-stick lifestyle that he's into, I daresay that he'll live for thousands of years._

_/James/_

_Day 186,_

_It's almost been three months and Fox's behaviour has been angelic. I'm so proud of him. I bought the firecrackers late last night and Vixy doesn't know about them. His schoolwork has improved greatly._

_I was talking to Pigma recently. He's asked to go to Venom as an ambassador to try and make peace with Dr. Andross. I have approved the mission so he'll be leaving any day. I wish him a lot of luck. Vixy hopes for the best for Pigma. At hearing this, Pigma made an X-rated comment towards Vixy. The whole galaxy must have heard her yelling. It's a wonder I'm not deaf. Pigma's mission is going to be delayed for his injuries to recover. I didn't know the arm could bend that way. My empathy goes out for anyone who must suffer sweet Vixy's wrath. Usually the pity is for myself and Fox because we have a bad habit of getting on her nerves._

_We're out of cereal! NOOOOOO! I WANT MY TRIX ™ cereal!_

_/James/_

_Day 190,_

_Today is Cornerian Independence Day! Fox's behaviour was the best and his two best friends are at the house. There will be so much food and partying on the whole block. Because of my service to Corneria, my family has been invited to a party at General Pepper's headquarters. The only problem is that the news media will be there and will feel awkward if I set off firecrackers in front of the paparazzi. Oh well…_

_Later- _

_I've finished setting up the fireworks in my basement. I'm just about the strike the match. Gen. Pepper is upstairs. Vixy is outside. Fox, Falco, and Bill are watching me. I'm nervous with excitement and anxious. I hope Vixy doesn't find out that I'm going to set off fireworks._

_Much later-_

_And in the hospital_

_I have severe burns all over my body. When I set off the fireworks I did it so that I was stuck on the opposite end of the room. The side without stairs. Thankfully, Fox and his friend went upstairs freaking out and laughing. General Pepper came downstairs and called for help when he saw my scorched fur. When Vixy came downstairs and the fire dept. was finally done taking care of my house, she hollered at me. Then she cried and hugged my scalded and burnt self. Boy did that hurt. I don't remember much of what happened after word. It seems I passed out and an ambulance had to rush me to the ER. Pigma left for Venom a few days ago. General Pepper asked me in private just what in hell I was thinking when I set off the firecrackers._

_You should have seen Vixy's face when I explained to her just WHY I set them off. She cried, then hit me, then cried, then hugged Fox, and smashed my head in. I am in sooooooooooooo much pain._

_On a side note, this hospital food ish da bomb!_

_/James/_

Fox chuckled quietly to himself as he recalled the day James set off firecrackers in the basement. He did take after is father; he did the same thing on the Great Fox last winter.

So he had a brother who died after birth. And they would arrive in Sauria the next day to question why the tribal leaders had never mentioned meeting James so many years ago. But they had heard of Star Fox and it was a primitive planet…

88888888888888

END CHAPTER 3

**Chibi incorporates reader suggestions. REVIEW PWEESE**


	4. Vacation

Reviews, Ideas and more! Welcome to the next chapter of the Diary, err, Captain's Log of James McCloud. Oh and by the way, this is a humour fic. So to the one reviewer, who said that the humour is ruining the seriousness of the story, realise that the story is under the category humour! Oh well. She also needs to get that Chobits fanfic of hers in the move. But listening to Full Metal Alchemist songs are much more interesting.

"**Stupid writer who messes up my life"**

**I'm not messing up your life James. I'm telling it as it was. Now, what entry should we re-begin with? Do the disclaimer James.**

"**If I don't do the disclaimer then and I rant on and on, then won't it take longer for the story to continue?"**

**It would if I wasn't lazy. So I shall do the disclaimer myself. I do not own Star Fox, James, pudding, rocks, apples, hot irons, N2 Bombs, a boat, pineapples, chickens, a mashed fork or pie.**

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

"We will be arriving on Planet Sauria within three hours Fox"

"Thanks R.O.B. Do others know that we have changed course?"

"No. Your crewmates and girlfriend are too amused by your father's entries in his journal to pay attention."

"Excellent. Last thing I need is Peppy going on how we should be in Corneria and giving the diary to the mass media because it was in my father's will."

"Very well"

Fox walked out of the control room to the den where everyone else was. It was late in the evening. As soon as he entered the room a large bowl of chocolate pudding was thrown at his head. He was literally, a chocolate fox.

"Falco, just why did you do that to me?"

"I have no clue. It just seemed like a good idea at the time"

"Don't for get the chopped fruit to go with it," squeaked the annoying, helium-filled voice of Slippy. "How about some apples?"

Before the fruits were flung in the air, a well-placed rock was chucked at Falco's eyes. While the eyeballs remained within the socket, a considerable amount of blood did not. Also a string of inappropriate words left Falco's mouth. This didn't go so well for the aged, old-fashioned hare who was enjoying a lovely Macintosh apple.

"Shut your damn mouth Falco! I want to consume my fruit in peace!"

"What a minute you sagged pile of fur and fleas, did you just swear? At moi?"

But night had fallen and even though a small apple and pudding food fight occurred, the real damage was from Krystal. Having a fit because she was going to have to be the one to clean up the mess, she chased and severely injured the men with a hot iron. Peppy's fur was no longer wrinkled, Falco's feathers were neat and presses, Slippy had a burnt back, and Fox…will not be sitting down on his butt for quite some time. But what did that matter to him? While all was quiet in the ship he opened up the book for some nighttime reading.

Day 193 

_I left the hospital today. I suppose this captain's log is good for one thing- remembering what to NOT do. Oh well. Summer break for Fox's school only lasts for another month and a half and we are going on vacation. It will be just myself, Vixy, and Fox. Where we are going I have no clue. Does proper grammar need to exist? Take a look at three sentences back. The answer lies within._

_I spoke with Pigma on the phone. It seems Andross has acquired an abnormal amount of N2 bombs. I guess he's way over the legal limit. By my questions really lies with this: Andross is on Venom and no one has made the laws for Venom. Andross is also a great scientist so he would know how to build those. And here is my question:_

_If mouths have roofs do they have siding and basements too?_

_/James/_

_Day 200_

_Now that my face is no longer swollen-- Oh, what happened? I suggested to Vixy that we go take our vacation on Saragesso. She wasn't exactly thrilled to hear that but Fox really wanted to go. I don't blame the poor fella. So we are now on Aquas and on a big boat--- a cruise liner! I have thrown up approximately seven times during the past three days. The first time was on the captain, the second time was in his dinner, the third time was on some snotty old woman that kept criticising my parenting skill's pineapple, the fourth time was on that same old woman, the sixth time was in my dinner and the seventh time was OVER the ship itself. I suppose one out of seven tries isn't all that bad._

_Here is that snotty thing's problem: Fox decided to go off on his own for about an hour while Vixy helped me deal with my nausea. Now Fox is turning NINE very soon and while I know he's too young to be wandering around by himself and granted he's no angel. But to allow him to wander around in an arcade when Vixy and I are right down the hall and we've signed him in, then I think he's ok. He had some money to play a few games and was talking to a few kids. I saw no problem. VIXY DIDN'T EITHER! For some reason or another this woman was fussing on how violent the games were. My son at the time was playing a spaceship-shooter game. Fox was beating her son in that game. She accused my son of having a violent temperament to be so destructive on that game. From what I understand, he told her that he'd done the whole spacecraft-flying thing in real life. And he has! He can fly an Arwing very well. And he's shot down many asteroids and other flying debris in space. A simulator game is nothing!_

_Somehow the lady thought my son was a violent homicidal maniac and was going to slay the great scientist Andross over a family problem, have two girlfriends, get chased by an annoying baby dinosaur, and have to ride on the wing of his mortal enemy's spacecraft._

_And people say I'm crazy._

_If feelings can be bottled up can they be canned or pickled?_

_/James/_

Fox studied what his father wrote for a minute. An odd feeling went through his body. Coincidence? But before he could ponder on it he fell asleep.

Next Day

"Fox, if you don't get your lazy self out of bed I am going to make sure every strand of fur on your body is hot pink."

Fox shot his eyes open immediately. Hovering over his bed was Krystal with a bucket of paint and a paintbrush in her hands. Rolling over to the far left side of his bed, h noticed that the current time was 11:42. He slept in late. Veeeeeeeeeeery late.

"By the way Fox, why are we on Sauria?

"Err…umm…because I said so. Now-I-gotta-go-take-a-shower-see-you-soon."

Krystal thought for a bit as Fox raced out of his room an in the direction opposite of the bathroom. Just as he was about to enter the control room, all of his ribs broke and the air within his lungs was gone. The reason? A gigantic, hyperactive, Earth-Walker with fancy ornaments on had leaped from wherever it had originally been standing and onto Fox. Prince Tricky was…BIG.

"Air...escaping body…can't feel chest"

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

Three hours later

…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!"

After screaming very loudly, Tricky looked at Fox to ask why he hadn't responded immediately. He soon got his answer when he saw Fox was struggling to breathe. Stepping off to the side, he nudged Fox in his ribcage to only hear Fox yell in pain.

"Sorry about that! You should have mentioned you couldn't breathe!"

"Tricky."

"Yeah? Do you wanna play? I wanna play! Let's play! And guess what? I was travelling in the area and having fun, because I was playing. Let's play! We should Fox now that you're here! And while I was in the woods playing I saw something! And I didn't know what it was so I asked it if it wanted to play. I did that because you weren't around to play! And you are now so we can play, but I got a closer look and know what it was? A _BAD GUY_!"

Tricky had done it. He said the two words that while on the Sauria mission drove Fox to temporary insanity. Because Tricky was oblivious that he naturally gets people to want to hurt him he didn't notice Fox having an epileptic fit on the floor. Of course, within five minutes it ended, but still…

"T-t-tricky…NEVER SAY THOSE TWO WORDS AGAIN!"

"Hey! What's this! It's a diary! Is it yours Fox? Can I read it? Thanks!"

Day 205 

_We had a food fight in the dinning hall this evening. I managed to throw a greasy chicken at the lady who said many bad things about my parenting skills and being a proper role model. I used the food fight as a lesson the Fox on how to attack people in the mist of war. That way if he's ever stuck on the front lines he will know how to find the best sniping spot to get people. And since we're using food nobody is getting seriously injured. We are so lucky that Vixy wasn't around to witness the fight. If she was, then we would be so doomed._

_Earlier today we went swimming in the pool. We had a lot of fun. The annoying old lady's son almost drowned and she blamed me because I "looked at him weird and he lost confidence." Firstly, I was just noticing he had a stain on his shorts. Secondly, she is a pain._

_For the past few days I've been throwing up. Now I just get dizzy. The cruise will be over in a few more days._

_If people can seem fishy and be crabby and be a shrimp can a person turn into a whale?_

_/James/_

_Day 208_

_Today is the last day on the cruise. It is currently the evening. The annoying old woman complained to Vixy about the food fight saying that as a father I must be polite and reserved. Well excuse me for hating the Victorian saying that children are seen and not heard. If Fox wants to make a riot he can. I mean, I set off firecrackers in my basement. I stuck a mashed up fork in her plate of pie for dessert today._

_Later_

_Pigma greeted us when we got back. We gave him his present and he was happy. He told Fox when he's older he will teach him things I won't ever. I'm wondering what that means but I really don't care_

_/James/_

"Wow Fox! Is that the diary of your dad? And that old lady was mean! She was a _bad guy_"

And thus Fox's seizures started yet again.

End Chapter 4

Sorry it took so long to right. And who doesn't want to kill Tricky when he goes "Bad Guy!" No duh Tricky, I've been attacking them for five minutes now! I also apologise if the story wasn't all that funny. Review please, tell me what you want and I will do what I can. Man, this story was short!


	5. Prelude to disaster

Welcome to the fifth chapter of James McCloud's thing that he wrote in all of the time that describes how stupid he was. Originally I wasn't going to even type up this chappie until I had 15 reviews. Well, at the evening of 8 August 2005 I had 16 reviews so I'm going to begin typing.

**One reviewer happened to remind me that Vixy is going to die before James. Technically, Vixy dies when Fox is a child but I've defied that already. Vixy will die before James but until Fox is older. I hope you will be pleased to know that a reader's suggestion between Pigma and Fox and Vixy has been incorporated.**

**Again, some time skipping in the entries will occur. Now for the disclaimer…**

"**If you have any empathy for my situation as a ghost then you will cease reading."**

**Shut it James**

"**Noooooooo! Disclaimer shall not be done so you will have to keep reading all of this nonsense between us"**

**Ok, that's it- Tricky will do the disclaimer**

"**Ok! Chibi does not own star Fox!"**

**010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101**

**Chapter 5**

Within a few hours after having his last seizure, Fox found himself with two tired arms and a sore pair of legs. He had been throwing the ball very far and running in the opposite direction in an attempt to lose Tricky for quite some time now. He had only managed to lose Tricky because he snuck into the Light-Foot village. He had some questions to ask the chief. Upon entering the village he noticed that it had changed…greatly. The tribe had obviously been doing some serious re-decorating. A huge glimmering lake replaced the swamp and they had more territory than before. Where the old worn huts had previously stood were now complicated and amusing water rides. Light-Foot village had become…a water park.

"Ah! You like the new layout yes/no you steenking freak."

"Um, yes actually it's quite nice. But I have some questions for you."

"The cost is seventy scarabs for a child, one hundred for an adult, eighty for students and senior citizens, and children under the age of fifty-five are free. But your age into our years is much older than fifty-five you steenking cheapskate."

"That's not what I wanted to…"

"We are open everyday as early as nine in the morning and we close the same time everyday which happens to be twenty-two o'clock in the evening. It's a ride all the rides pass so you do not have o buy individual tickets and we do group discounts for parties over ten."

"WILL YOU LISTEN? IT ISN'T ABOUT THE WATERPARK!"

"Oh. Well, why did you not say so you steenking idiot."

"Because you kept talking on and on…did you meet my dad?"

"I wasn't aware you had a father you steenking freak."

"I had to in order to have been born!"

"Then who was your father and why do you think I would know him?"

Sighing and resisting the urge to not kill the three metre tall creature, Fox pulled out his father's captain's log that he put into storage in the bag that was magically able to carry a huge lantern, seven bomb spores, fifteen grub tubs, two hundred scarabs, and other miscellaneous items. He opened up to the pages where his father spoke about the Light-Foot tribe. While the chief read the three entries Fox began to wonder if that was a good idea seeing as James did insult them. What he didn't realise as he was pondering this was that the chief was a speed reader and was already skipping ahead…

"You put sewing needles in outlets you steenking idiot?"

"Huh? When I was a kid I did…I was worse when I went to junior high."

At hearing this- the chief darted off very fast with the book and decided to read it to the Light-Foot children. Perhaps they would find him as stupid as the father. No wonder they smelled similar, acted similar, had the similar fetish for pixie sticks and liked exotic females. They were a father and son pair! As he gathered the children Fox caught on quickly just what the chief was planning to do. He couldn't blame the chief, I mean, he did defeat their top two challenges in a few minutes total time and obtained their Krazoa spirit. Revenge was revenge no matter what form it was in.

_Day 365,_

_Normally this would mean it has been a full year since I began writing in this. But all I can say is that it has been almost fifteen years since I started writing. Fox has adjusted rather strangely to junior high. His first year he tried to be the cool kid on campus and being that he can pilot and Arwing he actually was. Now that he's hit puberty he's acting- like Pigma! _

_Guess what happened_

_Pigma came home from Venom a few weeks ago and gave us all presents. Fox didn't open his with all of the rest of us and that didn't bother me or Vixy any. It bothered Vixy when she found out what the gift- or magazine he received was. PlayVixens was its name and you can only guess what was inside. Nudity, nudity and more nudity! Fox will be turning fifteen in a few months and he's latest interest has not been spacecrafts but a Miss Fara Phoenix whom he has been dating for about a year now. Now she's no slut and her parents are nice but Vixy is concerned about Fox's hormones. She's afraid he'll be like me…_

_Her upset is that when we went on a field trip I flipped up her skirts. Now our school uniforms are a bit different then Fox's. The girl's sailor uniforms have longer skirts but lower cut on the shirt. The boys are a different colour than mine were (his is dark blue and mine was black) and the buttons are now made planet earth-oriental instead of a shirt and tie. Thankfully Fox doesn't have to wear a tie. But when he enters high school next year at the military academy he will. I confess, Pigma then influenced most of my crude behaviour to her._

_If elves are naturally tall then what about the Keebler ™ elves that make cookies or Santa Claus's elves?_

_/James/_

_Day 370_

_It's official- Pigma's had too much of an influence on Fox. It seems the school's layout never changed from when we went to school there so all of the secret passages are the same. Pigma showed Fox a way to sneak into the girl's locker room. I guess he's been doing it for a few months now but was caught. He also was stealing some of the girls' lingerie when he was in there. He was caught because my sweet and angelic Vixy went to his room to clean it one day. Now Fox was not home to hear her reaction but I was. My ears are still bleeding and she attempted to choke me to death for not being able to teach Fox properly. She's not letting Pigma into the house._

_On a side note many of my important documents between myself and Gen. Pepper are missing. I managed to get a hold of Peppy since I hadn't in a few years and told him. He's very confused. Some of his stuff is missing too. I wonder if any of Pigma's stuff is missing._

_Birdie, birdie in the sky, what was that you dropped in my eye?_

_/James/_

_Day 426_

_I'm back on the Great Fox. A year has passed even more of my important documents are missing. All of them pertain to Andross. He obviously has a spy in his league and I suspect its Pigma. I'm going to stop relaying information to him. I won't see Peppy until this mission is over to tell him the same thing. The only ones on the Great Fox are me, my son and his girlfriend. He and Fara are very close and I bet they'll get married. They both go to the Cornerian High School Military Academy and are at the top of their classes. _

_Bill Grey, on of Fox's friends moved to Katina with his family a month ago and we are going to visit them. Falco was planned to come but his mother came down sick at last second. From what I've gathered, his father is an abusive alcoholic who was once a pimp for his mother. They never officially married but for the longest time his mother remained a prostitute just to put bread on the table. She's always told him to never let any other girl befall her fate. Falco has a part-time job and a young girl as a tail- Katherine Monroe, the daughter or the wealthiest CEO in Zoness- to assist in paying the bills. Her parents don't like him but she can't get enough of him. And poor Falco is afraid of her!_

_I'm teaching to young couple to live happily on a healthy ramen noodle and pixie stick diet. I haven't slept in four days and I am too lazy to write stuff that happens several months ago._

_If I eat lots of instant cup ramen, get treated to noodle bars, hate the three minute wait, and have an evil kitsune youkai form, can I be a great Shinobi master that everyone must notice my existence?_

_/James/_

"Fox, who was Fara? Is she someone I should know about?"

Fox knew that voice but its tone was not of murder but of sorrow. Turning around, he saw Krystal with a sad face and refusing to look him in the eye. Truth being, he never even officially broke up with Fara. But Krystal didn't need to know that.

"My ex. I haven't seen her since we met and how long have we been together?"

"You know, I never told you this but there has been a young woman who calls us a lot and she is looking for you. I told her who I was and she was upset."

Oops

Ignoring the possibly destroyed couple, Chief Light-Foot went on with the reading instead of the developing soap opera.

Day 430 

_Fox has done it again and pulled a prank. He left pornographic magazines everywhere in the commander's headquarters late at night. He also purchased about twenty alarm clocks, hid them, and had them go off at ten-minute intervals. The clocks were my idea because I did it myself but the magazines were Pigma's. Needles to say the commander figured it out who did this VERY fast. I really could never figure out how he did that. It's like the commander is psychic or something. Fox also knows Gen. Pepper's cell phone number from me and called him. When Pepper responded Fox played the song "Sergeant Pepper's Marching Band" and refused to say who it was. Somehow he also figured it out that it was Fox, which I can't figure out. I mean Fox isn't the one who hums that song every time he walks by. I do that._

_It's like everyone but Fox and I are psychic or something. While Fox is away at school Vixy manages to figure out who forgot to leave the toilet seat up._

_Also to note that Fara has a temper as short as Vixy_

_/James/_

_Day 431_

_Ugh. I have a mission to run all the way to Venom. The whole Star Fox team is going and so are the Cornerian and Katian armies. The mission begins in a week so I have a week to stock up on Ramen Noodles. I'm so beginning to miss them. Fox with return from school on summer break tomorrow and Fara is coming home with him. Falco just one day moved in with us and has his own bedroom, toothbrush, dinner plate, spot at the table, clothes and even TV time. _

_I must confess only to you that I'm afraid Pigma may betray us. I want to keep him under my watch without revealing anything. Peppy says I'm overreacting and that Pigma is missing items and he found his and I'm stupid. The third may be correct but I know I am not paranoid. Right? Wait…I thought I heard someone._

_I'm really not paranoid am I?_

_/James/_

_Day 432_

_Fox failed three courses: science, history and Cornerian language. He speaks that very language and yet he fails it. Just like me ()! His friend that he met in junior high, Slippy Toad has recently moved back into town. They met in eight grade but then the Toad family moved. I know the father, Beltino, at the Research and Development lab very well. Slippy is returning and into our neighbourhood the day before I leave. Slippy is already in college because he was so smart he graduated early. While I'm away Bill is also going to be spending time at the house. Poor Vixy is going to have her hands full while I'm gone. Peppy hasn't given Pigma any information at my command and I've stopped his ambassador routine but I fear it is too late. I wonder if I should tell this to Gen. Pepper?_

_I did tell Vixy though and she's worried. She's also been suspicious of Pigma but when she found out that documents were missing she told me to sever ties with him. She's working on his resignation forms so we can dispose of him. Fox and his friends will be entering their final year at the academy. I can't wait until they're out. I have trained Fox and Falco and even Bill to pilot the Arwings. Fox probably taught Fara and Katherine has her own spacecraft. The whole crew will be at my house. When I get back I have asked Beltino's permission to train Slippy to pilot the Arwings and we will begin training immediately._

_I haven't seen or spoken to the Saurians in a few years. I wonder if they're ok._

_In recent new the lovely planet Cerina was "mysteriously" destroyed. I've been there and it was nice. I suspect that Andross did it to test his new powers. But Cerina was the daughter planet to Sauria which is why I'm concerned about Sauria. Did you know Andross has a set of mercenaries? They are called Star Wolf! Their leader is named Wolf O'Donnell and I've seen him. He's two years older than Fox and was physically abused by his parents' servants he is the son of two wealthy Cornerians and neglected by his parents themselves. No wonder the poor kid chose the path he did. Another member on the team is Andross's nephew Andrew Oikinny. The third and final member is named Leon Powalski and he was brought up in a decent family with three younger brothers and an older sister. He became cold-hearted and murderous from and early age and the rest of his family is seemingly normal. It's rumoured they have a fourth member and I am guessing that it is Pigma._

_/James/_

_Day 439_

_On Great Fox_

_Two Hours Later_

_When is tomorrow that this little red haired thing speaks of?_

_Four Hours Later_

_Peanut Butter and Jelly! Peanut Butter and Jelly!_

_/James/_

As you can see children, like the vulpine standing before us, the father was a steenking idiot. And the son is a two-timer.

"I am not…KRYSTAL WAIT!"

Chasing her down through the village he managed to catch up to her in Thorn-Tail Hollow where the Arwings were resting. Tricky had also been listening to the stories and all of that humour into his wee little brain gave him a split moment of intelligence where he returned the book. Remember a split moment.

"Fox can we play? I want to play again! Why is your girlfriend about to kill you? Are you going to break up? Where is your dad? He's funny! Let's play! We can go to the woods and you can throw the ball like before. Remember earlier today? We were playing! We should play now that she's done filing your fur off your body. But you should clean your blood before we play. I want to play! But not with that Pigma guy! He was a…"

"DO NOT SAY THOSE TWO…"

"_**Bad guy**!_"

End Chapter 5

If you do not review and leave a suggestion then may Tricky forever haunt you by saying the phrase "bad guy" over and over so that you may never hear anything else or get rid of it when you die. But may the curse be lifted when you review to this chapter or the next one because the next one will not be added until I have at least twenty reviews.


	6. James's doubts, Vixy's demise

**Welcome to chapter 6 of the psycho's journal. This is your host Chibi Kaiyaska as we explore the depths of James McCloud's brain or lack there of. I heart reader reviews and James loves ramen. **

**So, so sad story to tell—**

"**_WTF? Sad? Hey, any readers care about me? I'm the real author! I wrote the captain's log_"**

Well James, we all know at what point of the journal we are getting to- some very depressing and sad scenes. There will be eight chapters in all. There will be two deaths in the next three chapters and we all know who they are. 

"**_Oh joy…"_**

**But on a side not I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico ™. I do not own Star Fox, Geico, or Naruto since I made a reference to it in the last chapter.**

**01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101**

After receiving no good answers from the Saurians about his father Fox decided to leave and check his email.

"Spam, spam, spam, spam---coupons- I must save those. Heh oh what else…"

A loud knocking on the door prevented Fox from thinking and destroying the space-time continuum as we speak. And we don't want that destroyed.

"Come in"

The door opened and before Fox could react with his miniscule brain that operates his sugar desires, a large object nearly caved his head in several times. The weapon was a steel crowbar. The wielder of the crowbar was Krystal of Cerina. Her reason?

"AHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR KRYS?"

"Hmm, let me think for a minute. Who is Fara? Why didn't you tell me about her? And you have a guest."

"Ok, one, she was my girlfriend in junior high and high school."

"That's QUITE some time Fox," she retorted.

"Secondly, I forgot that she existed," Fox smiled sheepishly, "I'm really sorry, I just, I mean, we just parted ways-and I um…."

"Oh well, you still have a guest waiting for you. Go see this person now!"

"Who the hell visits us at two in the morning?"

"Why don't you go into the foyer and check?"

She turned her nose up in the air and walked out sullenly. Fox watched her gently close the door and sniffle softly outside his room. His ears drooped with sorrow and his stomach clenched up in regret. His stupidity was not doing him very well. He wondered how his father coped with stupidity. Retrieving the journal, he exited his bedroom and headed for the main room. He passed Falco on his way to the lobby.

"Who's here to see me?"

Falco turned his stupid little head in Fox's direction and gave a half-asleep 'huh?'

"Krys says someone's here to see me."

"At this hour? Heh, your problem not mine. I'm getting my sleep."

Falco indeed did wish to sleep. At the end of that sentence he fell smack onto the floor and into sleepy-sleep land. Fox kicked him in the head in hopes to stir life into him but he got no results. He really wanted to delay seeing whoever it was.

If it was Tricky he'd probably commit suicide in anger. If it were a Star Wolf member he'd have violent spasms. If it was Gen. Pepper then he'd have violent spasms and kill Pepper. If it was Fara…

Fara… 

'I'm a McCloud,' Fox told himself. 'McClouds' do not flinch at danger we seek it.' So he bravely entered the foyer.

"Well Fox, I thought you'd forgotten all about me with your high class missions? Is the husky from Katina to low in rank to deal with you?" Came the laugh of a Lieutenant of Katina's air force and one of his closest friends.

"BILL! I'm so glad it's you and not some person that would drive me to insanity!" Fox ran over and hugged Bill. They hadn't seen each other in about a year and he hadn't slept in about five days.

"Ehh…I decided to pay a visit since you were not doing anything relatively important. Falco says you found your dad's journal. He says it's funny. Is there anything about me?"

Fox laughed and showed him various entries in the journal and some new ones.

Day 437 

_On Venom. I have a bad feeling in my gut. My stomach hurts all over and my whole body is sore. Andross is insane and Peppy is blind to Pigma's possible betrayal. Andross is still lusting after Vixy. The only lesson I've learned today is that milk has an expiration date for a reason._

_James_

_Day 438_

_Man, my stomach aches_

_Three minutes later_

_Why is vomit not purple in colour?_

_James_

_Day 445_

_Finally on Corneria. I told Vixy the lesson I had learned and she stared at me. I wonder if it was a stare of wonderment that she learned something new or if she had pity on my idiotic ways. Fox and Fara are getting along nicely. I hope that they are practicing safe sex. If they aren't then I hope Fara doesn't get pregnant. Or that Vixy finds out. Preferably the one about Vixy. Vixy has been becoming very worried lately and she doesn't want to tell me why. I guess it is because she thinks I have enough problems_

_POOP!_

_James_

"Ah, good ol James McCloud! You really take after him Fox!"

Fox beamed with pride. It was quite the honour to be compared to the ultimate idiot James McCloud. Or at least he thought it was an honour. Fox always wanted to do what his father did except for getting murdered by whom he thought was a friend. Bill…

"Bill what happened to Fara?"

"Eh? Why are you thinking about that now?"

"Krys said that she's been trying to get a hold of me for some time now"

"Krystal's telling the truth Fox."

"Then why hasn't anyone told me that Fara's trying to contact me?"

"Probably because we assumed you were too happy with Krystal to care about poor abandoned Fara. But what's for eatings? I haven't had food in about two days."

"It's early in the A.M! What is wrong with you," Fox laughed, "We ate like this when we were kids not now!"

"We eat like this when we are stressed out or have something to say. I saw Fara the other day and it seems she and Krystal had a spat. They met personally so now your girlfriend is PISSED. So, naturally, I came over here to wedge into your business, steal food, and sleep."

Fox didn't say anything. They went into the kitchen and Fox gave Bill some dried pasta to eat from the cupboard. They spoke for an hour or so and then fell asleep right there. After waking up because Falco decided to pour coffee on them, they both attempted to murder Falco. And of course all three friends ended up finishing their fight and progressed to reading the diary. Yes, it is now officially being called a diary so we can pick on James.

Day 448 

_Fox is going to take his driving test tomorrow. Vixy will drive him and hopefully he will be driving home. The test is to be taken a few hours from here and it is being held in the A.M so they are getting up early tomorrow to leave._

_Tomorrow is also mine and Vixy's anniversary. I bought her some beautiful diamonds and I will show them to her when she and Fox return. I am very excited. I have a fancy dinner all picked out for her. Eighteen years goes by a lot faster than I even thought would. We have had so many happy memories together and Fox is leaving for military high academy, which is like a college. He'll be studying aviation and hopefully get some mathematical skills. Slippy is already doing engineering work and Falco miraculously passed. I have no idea how. Fara is a very good student so she did well and Katherine is good as well. Why is that?_

_Vixy's diamonds are set as a pair of earrings and a lovely necklace that has our marriage date engraved on it and a rose in the middle of the diamonds. It was pre-ordered a long time ago and I know she'll love it._

_Going to take Fox out for a few more practise tests on the car. He seems to be doing rather well._

_I will go the distance! Embrace resistance! I will follow the path of the ice cream truuuuuuuck!_

_James_

_Day 449_

_Fox and Vixy left before I got up so I'll be preparing lunch for them when they get back. Her presents are wrapped and on the table with a flower centrepiece on the table. I really hope she likes them._

_Wolf ODonnel came to the house and woke me up at eight in the morning. He comes to our house at times because Vixy tries to teach him good values. She feeds him and sees that his grades are up. He doesn't care for the rest of us. His friends Leon and Panther were with him. They were really distressed and demanded to see Vixy. I told them where she and Fox were and they looked at each other petrified. Wolf sees Vixy as an adoptive mother and gets fussy about her. It's weird because he wants to be an assassin but loves my wife's cookies. Leon told me to get in contact with her immediately and tell her to be very careful and do nothing remotely dangerous._

_Vixy is a very sensible person so I didn't really see the point of calling her cell phone but they wouldn't stop badgering me until I did. So I did but I got her answering machine and left a message. They are still worried and at the house. Wolf said that even though I'm an asshole, idiot, and complete waste to society that I needed to watch over Vixy carefully. He also said Fox could rot in hell. I got irked with those comments and tried to get them to leave. They wouldn't so I'm making them do chores. Wolf says that if we meet again one of us is not coming out alive._

_What the crap is going one around here? All I want is to have a nice day with Vixy and not be bothered by Wolf and his friends. Something suspicious is going on and I don't know what it is. Andross wouldn't hurt Vixy would he? I'm wondering if he is going to abduct her and murder my son. I called Peppy over and he just came over. Pigma is nowhere to be seen. Pigma? Wait a minute…could Pigma be behind this? What's going on?_

_Wolf and friends are sulking around as if somebody died…_

_Oh no_

_James_

The three friends stopped reading there. All of them knew what happened. They didn't know that Wolf wanted to stop it but Vixy…

Fox didn't want to read any farther but the rest of the Star Fox team was there now and if he didn't somebody else might accidentally. R.O.B didn't seem to understand emotions and would read it just out of whim. Everyone in the room but Krystal knew what happened that day and Fox was there to witness it. He had just passed his test with flying colours and wanted to drive his mother home. She had left the car in a lot down the street so they walked to it. She waited about an hour for him to finish the test. She got to the car first and started it up because she needed to move something in the driver's seat.

Day… 

_Much Later_

_Vixy's dead. The car someone wanted to get me but got her instead Andross wanted to kill me thought I was going to drive Fox because he saw me doing so yesterday Vixy_

_After all that work I put into today she's gone. He body blew up when she put the key into the car. Died instantly Fox got hit but he's ok I have someone Lost someone Wolf knew wanted to save her Don't hate Wolf Fox He tried to save her _

_James_

The whole ship was silent as Fox stuttered those words just as his father wrote them. He remembered the look on his father's face when he came to and when he had to tell him about what happened. Dishevelled and in tears the whole time. It was a devastating day.

There was one entry left and he knew what it was. Shortly after the death he went to face Andross. That was when James died.

One last memory of James and then everything would be gone. The dreams, the laughter, the reminiscing. Fox didn't feel right. "Don't hate Wolf" How could he do that? After all Wolf had done? But maybe Wolf did try to help. He did like Vixy but hated almost everyone else. What did he do to Andross when he found out? Fox wondered if he truly was the only one alive who suffered from Vixy's death.

The Star Fox team decided it was best to leave Fox alone for the time being so he could work this out. Reaching for a communicator once they leave, he began to dial up Star Wolf at Saragesso.

**Ring Ring**

"Pick up dammit," Fox yelled at the machine!

**Riiiiiiiiing**

"Why you lazy son of a…"

"Who the hell has the headquarters phone number? I, Wolf O Donnell demand that you speak."

101010101010101010101101010101010101010101010101

End Chapter 6

Happy whatever holiday you celebrate! Right James? 

_**Yes Indeed.**_

Well, that was the sad part over with. There will be two- yes two- new chapters. James' book entry is long.

There is a surprise entry that will be discussed in the last chapter 

Last call for reader suggestions because the last chapter isn't taking any. I have no idea how may reviews I want before posting chapter seven but HOPEFULLY I will have suggestions!

_**I miss Vixy. Hey, since I'm dead can I see her?**_

Witness James McCloud who has been dead ten years now realises he can see his wife's spirit. PARTY!


	7. Prologue to Stupidity

**Greetings one and all to the second to last chapter of James's DIARY!**

"**Shut up!"**

**D-I-A-R-Y!**

"**I'm not listening!"**

**Well, I was thinking of bringing in another guest to do the disclaimer with us but I couldn't figure out who**

"**How about Vixy?" **

**How about James does it and then MAYBE we will see Vixy in the disclaimer for our final chapter.**

"**What do the fans say about your blackmail?"**

**Good question! Well after they read the fic they can give me that suggestion. I said I was incorporating anymore, but what the hey? In the disclaimer only though! **

"**Very well, in hopes that I see my beloved Vixy Miss Chibi Kaiyaska does not own Star Fox ™ or anything similar to that. She does not own many things like sanity for instance."**

(Chapter VII)

"WHO HAS HELL CALLED? Andrew the idiot is…Andrew you dumbass is that you!"

"It's me, Fox. Yeah, I wanted to ask you one question."

Wolf stared at his speakerphone. He rubbed his ears gently to make sure he wasn't crazy. How did Fox have his number? He turned onto visual screen to confirm that it was Fox talking to him. How did the Star Fox team know the private number that only the Star Wolf and a few top-notch dark mechanics knew about? And what did they teary-eyed annoying vulpine want to ask him? He did not want to deal with this shit. He dealt with enough when Andrew was on the team and Pigma was on as well. But he was also very bored and needed to be entertained for the hour while Leon was finishing upgrading the Wolfens. And Panther was tending to a crushed arm that he had received recently.

"First my questions Fox. One- how in hell did you know this number. Two- what the hell pissed you off to tears. Three- why aren't you dead yet?"

Fox looked at Wolf and said, "How did you know that someone was going to kill my mother?"

"How do you know--?"

"This is my father's diary…"

"Your dad had a diary?"

"And one of the last entries mentioned that you came over to the house and tried to warn us. How did you know?"

"I worked for Andross back then asshead. He told me he was after your dad and that morning when I woke up I went to your house to talk to Vixy but when I saw your dad I knew what was going to happen. Believe me I pissed to know that he got Vixy instead of James. But I will have you know that it was I who performed the finishing blow on James!" Wolf grinned, all proud of himself.

'Oh great,' thought Fox 'I try to figure out what is going on with my mother's death and my dad tells me not to hate Wolf and yet he kills you father!'

Noises in the background on Wolf's side came closer to the door and Panther entered in. His arm was in a sling and he had bandages all over his shoulder. He had obviously done some fighting. He mentioned something to Wolf who nodded in response. Wolf also said something to Panther and the word 'Vixy' was distinguishable.

"Gotta go (comment censored cause I don't wanna change the rating). I hope you die soon."

With that, Wolf disconnected the line. Fox was left staring at a blank screen with a body that had totalled less than eight hours of sleep for an entire week. Wandering off to bed at eleven in the morning, he collapsed onto his bed and slept for two hours. By the time he woke up: Katt was at the ship in Falco's room, Slippy had seven injuries, Peppy was looking through photo-books, Bill was helping himself to more food, and Krystal was trying to put out a fire Slippy had caused. Fox was hungry.

He walked down the main hall and ate dry cereal in the main hall. Krystal, needless to say, did not appreciate Fox eating food on a nice rug. Fox therefore had to eat his food while running from his psychotic, machete-wielding girlfriend.

"AHHH! Krystal, I only want some ceeeeereal! Not to be murdered at like…is it the afternoon already?"

"Yes it is and we are back on course for Corneria. NOW EAT YOUR FOOD IN THE KITCHEN!"

"I would if you would stop trying to kill me maybe I could!"

The chase went on for a few minutes. Fox's cereal went everywhere from the floors in which he ran across, on his mouth and even inside of it (on rare occasions). After Krystal noticed that the cereal was going on the floor anyways, she gave up and began cleaning it up. She grumbled on occasion and muttered the words "castration" and "mutilate" a few times. From his dim-witted experience of acting stupidly, Fox concluded that he was in for a very painful night. And not the good kind of pain that we won't mention here.

Falco sifted through James's diary and looked over carefully at the past entries. He noticed that Fox had book marked what to be read next and that they only had a few more pages to go of the diary. Glancing at it, and without actually reading it, he noted that it was the final entry. But Falco already knew that. Everyone knew. Especially Fox.

Also to note that Krystal was the only one intelligent enough to realise that they were headed towards Corneria.

By the time evening rolled around, Slippy had acquired five more injuries and Peppy had indigestion. Fox was going to acquire injuries. Everyone was sitting in the atrium having some Chinese food that they picked up on Katina. They would arrive on planet Corneria in approximately two and a half hours. But all was well on the ship, or at least normal for their standards. Katt was trying to steal Falco's food, while he tried to toss lo mien down her shirt. Slippy was trying to eat with chopsticks but accidentally stabbed himself and thus had more wounds. Peppy muttered incoherently about how loud the music was. Bill was happily increasing the volume on the stereo because he liked his music loud and to irritate Peppy. Fox was thinking about the best way to start a food fight and not have Krystal kill him. Krystal was snuggled up against Fox and was plotting to harm him if he did anything stupid, like say, oh…start a food fight.

"Bill! For the last time! Turn that music down!"

"I can't…_we can terrorize the pirates and plunder their souls_…hear…_remember I am the haunting of the desert planet_…oh, what? Turn it up? Ok! _I am the lone dog travelling the skyyyyyyy…_"

"I swear! You young people nowadays," Peppy muttered, "When James and I were young we didn't disrespect our elders!"

This caused the rest of the crew to laugh uncontrollably, Fox with a slight discomfort

"Are you crazy? Did you read the entries Peppy? Fox's dad gave Pepper a hard time" chimed Falco

"He encouraged, Fox, Falco, and I to cause problems at school and praised us for it!" added Bill

"My dad always told me that James was always in trouble with his superiors for some neurotic nonsense" confirmed Slippy

"He told me how to start the best…food fights!" exclaimed Fox as a piece of sesame chicken landed right on Falco's head.

Everything that had been bought for eating was now a valid weapon for tossing, smearing, or hurling at another person. Sharp pointy objects were frowned upon but apparently not illegal, since that was the choice of weapon for Krystal. Peppy angrily tossed some fried rice all over Bill, who in response tried to eat it off himself like a doggie. Falco tried to throw some baby corn at Fox but it landed…_on Krystal_.

The ship stopped moving. Everyone stopped throwing. Birds stopped chirping, light stopped being a wave and particle, and drug dealers had rational thought. Falco slowly tried to edge away.

"RUN FALCO! Run as fast as your legs may carry you," advised Fox, "I'll try and…yeah if I hold her back. Can I have your CD player?"

"MEEEEERCY! HAVE MEEERCY DEMON FROM ANOTHER PLAAAAANET …literally! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

While Krystal tried to murder Falco, Katt tried to stop her and Fox picked up the diary. All of his life he never waned to admit his father was dead because they had never seen the corpse. It couldn't be retrieved. Now, reading this diary brought back all of the memories. If he read the last entry then that was it- James's last entry; James's last day; James's death. Taking a deep breath, he opened to the final entry and began to read out loud. Somehow, everyone heard this.

Location: Great Fox 

_Memento mori- remember, you are mortal._

_Wow, this is so weird. Andross has made an attack on Gen. Pepper's headquarters. I will avenge you Vixy. Peppy, Pigma, and I are all travelling towards Venom to fight Andross. I guess I should say I know that this will be my final mission. I know that Pigma will betray us but it is too late. _

_I like butterscotch cookies. I learned that this morning_

_I didn't take the state of the line Arwing. I'm leaving that one for Fox. I also added some secret hyper boosters to Peppy's so that he may escape. I'm going on a suicide mission. Kamikaze. Kamikaze, by the way, is a Japanese word_

_I like sushi._

_We'll be arriving in Venom's atmosphere soon. That's when we'll leave the Great Fox and have R.O.B lead it towards Titania. We'll go on Arwing to Andross's base. Hopefully, he'll die along with it. And I hope that Pigma is destroyed as well. Peppy is anxious for us to arrive. Pigma is calm. I'm scared to death. I'm afraid that I'll fail and that I'll just die, not having avenged anyone. I'm afraid that Peppy will die and never be able to tell what happened. I'm afraid that Andross will win._

_I'm afraid my muffins are burnt. So sad. Rest in pieces my chocolate chip muffins._

_I wish I could fully enjoy a last meal. Pigma knows that I know. He also knows I'm afraid. He also knows that Peppy does not know. I know that Peppy does not know. Peppy does not know what Pigma will do. Pigma knows all. I know all. Peppy doesn't know all._

_I know how to make some good ramen noodles though._

_I have so many questions unanswered. I want to know so much. I want to understand so much. I have written down many of my questions as the years passed by. But what are the answers to the questions? Who would ever take the time to read them all and answer them all? Who actually cares?_

_Who knows how to work the laundry machine? I don't._

_Fox, remember, do not question the authority of someone who can make good cookies. Then the cookies stop being baked. Don't listen Peppy. I never did. Hate Andross with a passion. It'll do you good later on in life. Marshmallows burn very easily. Coffee beans do not do well in the dryer. People like it when you flush. I have never used calculus in my entire life as being a pilot. Don't bother learning it. Don't travel the world in your old age because you will be too old to remember it. When in doubt, start a food fight. Cheesy fur is only funny when it's Gen. Pepper's. Walls don't have ears but they do have some form of an audio receptor._

_And most importantly: NEVER EVER START FIREWORKS IN YOUR BASEMENT!_

_The journey to Venom is almost over. I'm putting a recorder in my Arwing. The other end of the recorder will be hidden somewhere for many years. Or at least I hope so. I'm going to record my final moments to the world. The recorder is placed so you can hear me and anyone who pages my Arwing. It'll feel weird talking to myself for a while, but I'll get used to it. I haven't hidden the other end yet, but I'll think of a hiding spot soon. I just hope I remember to write it down somewhere where people will find it. I don't want people to think I was an idiot flying in to defeat Andross, hoping to come back in a blaze of glory. Just the idiot part is fine enough for me._

_How sweet to be an idiot! You know Fox, you must watch Monty Python™ and the Flying Circus._

_We've landed at our destination point and the others are headed for the Arwings._

Under where my Arwing stands is a slit in the ground. Under the tile.

Fox looked at his companions as they rushed towards where Fox's Arwing was. They used the machines in the docking bay to pick up the Arwing; these machines were normally used to hold onto the Arwing while someone made repairs underneath. Underneath where the Arwing once stood were many centimetres of dust and burnt charcoal. Slippy handed Fox a broom and dust pan, and Fox swept until the slit was indeed revealed. He gripped onto the metal tile and lifted it up. The hole that it had covered was about one metre wide and one metre deep. Inside the hole were several things. The first thing that Fox extracted was a small, leather bound box. Inside of it was James's and Vixy's wedding picture. It was in a silver frame that had leaves and vines adorning it. The second thing was a small black box with a tape inside. It needed to be re-winded. The final object that was pulled out was a muffin. It was burnt, stale, and many years old.

Everyone went upstairs as Fox began to re-wind the tape.

"We have arrived on planet Corneria, Fox." Announced R.O.B through the pager.

"Thanks, R.O.B," he responded, "Dock the ship and then do what you please"

"Affirmative."

Suddenly, Falco's eyes lit up. He had an idea. This is just as bad as James or Fox having an idea.

"Hey Fox, let's let everyone hear the recording. After all, he said he wanted everyone to think good of him, didn't he? It would be a nice memento."

"I don't know, Falco, you'd think Fox would want to hear it before it gets put on air?" questioned Katt

"Look, let's do this in the morning! It's eleven at night and we should be asleep!" retorted Peppy.

But of course, no listens to Peppy after hearing James's bits of advice. But within a few minutes everyone was fast asleep.

Fox woke up on the couch with Krystal sleeping next to him. Falco was spread out on the rug and Katt was also next to him. Bill was in the comfy recliner and snoozing. Peppy was curled up in a fetal position, dreaming about the days when he was young. Slippy was sleeping on the other couch with a pillow on his stomach. Carefully getting off the couch without disturbing Krystal, Fox grabbed a bucket of ice cold water. I think its safe to assume what he did next. And what Krystal and the others did to him.

They went to Pepper's headquarters and ate his breakfast. Before Pepper could ask what was going on, Fox pushed the play button.

End Ch. 7

**Wow, I am soooooooo sorry that took so long to write. I have a job and I work most weekends so I can't post the story or write it. But school's over, yay! When I leave for college maybe it'll be easier.**

"**this is it"**

**Yeah, so, my questions to the readers**

**Should Vixy make an appearance?**

**Did you like the story**

**Bad guy bad guy bad guy**

"**I hate washing clothes. Laundry is evil."**

**The next chapter is the recording of James. It is the final chapter. No sequels to this specific story. No. None.**

"**Cheesecake."**


	8. James loves Ramen

"Hello. I'm here to do the disclaimer since my husband has decided to make popcorn by using the flares from his Arwing's exhaust pipe to cook it"

Moments later James runs in, screaming that he's on fire 

"**AHHHHH I'm on FIRE! Hi Vixy! FIRE! ACK!"**

"Yes, well, Miss Chibi does not own Star-Fox. She apparently doesn't own a fire extinguisher either."

"**PAIN! MAKE IT STOP!"**

(Chapter 8 begins here peoples-s-s-s)

Hello this is James McCloud talking. That's right. THE James McCloud. World-class ramen eater and microwave-putting-stuff-into. Yesterday I learned not to put a can of soup in there along with a fork. Goodnight moon. Goodnight mush of soup. Goodnight…shiiiiiiiny.

"_James this is Peppy, are you talking to yourself? Over."_

_Yes. Yes I am Peppy. Over…easy._

_Ok, we'll arrive on Venom soon. Soon as in like a few minutes. I'd like to say hi to everyone I care about. Hi Mom. Hi Fox. Hi Vixy, I'll be seeing ya soon. Hi Captain Kirk. Hi Peppy_

"_Hello James"_

_Hi to the crazy old lady on the cruise ship seven years ago who said lots of funny things. You're fat. And you smell like a dead cow. Oh, by the way, General Pepper, I stole the remote control to your television again. I hid it in the candy racks in a convenience store. Look behind the chocolate bars. Hey look it's Venom. It looks brown and barren and really pathetic._

"_James, this is Pigma, you're creeping me out"_

cough _traitor_ cough

"What was that? I couldn't hear ya captain, over" 

_Oh nothing. Live long and prosper Peppy_

"_Uh, James, this is Peppy. Were you watching sci-fi shows again, over?"_

_No. not over. Sunny-side up eggs please. I like my eggs scrambled actually. I bet you didn't know that. I prefer to have Swiss cheese and mushrooms in there as well. But no peppers. Bah on you General Pepper! I stole your remote and you will never find it._

_So now to talk about important things. First off, never have the same flavor of ramen two days in a row. It kinda ruins the ramen. Anyone who thinks ramen noodles are an individual section in the food pyramid should run a country. And I mean not only run the country but have the whole world acknowledge it. And if the person's entire food pyramid is ramen with the individual steps as different flavors of ramen then this person should have his or her head carved into a gigantic canyon. Ramen away! Nemar! My name is spelled S-E-M-A-J backwards. Pigma's is spelled T-R-A-I—_

"_Um, James, this is Peppy. Last I recalled Pigma's name did not have a 't' in it"_

_Says you. Well if I want to spell it that way I can. I am cool like that. Oh, hey watch this._

_This is Area 51 contacting Peppy Hare and Pigma Dengar. I repeat this is Area 51, do you copy?_

"_Yeah _pig snort_?"_

"_oh, great what now?"_

_Let's go hunt aliens! I mean, let's separate. That way Pigma can just betray us, I can get killed and kill Andross in return. It gets all taken care of in the end._

"_Pigma's going to whaaaaaa?"_

_He left Peppy. See, he obeys orders. Obey._

"_You're going to die?"_

_Yeah, just escape now while you can. Good, he's gone. Now I can ramble on about what's important in life. I've always wanted to visit planet Sauria since my mission on it eighteen years ago. I hate the Light-Foot tribe. The Cloud-Runners are kinda cool. Muffins should be eaten top first. If you must vomit then do it on General Pepper. I wonder if it rains on Venom. It doesn't look like it. All I see is some ruined temple. Hey, there's an enemy inside of it. I'm shooting it. Die enemy! Let's see, I shot it in the head and it blindly crashed into a wall. Wonderful defense system, Andross. I bet Pigma thought up of that one._

_And now for a song. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a smaaaaall world aaaaafter all. It's a small, small world. There is just--many moons and a boiling sun. And a smile means I've won the lottery. Though the mountains divide and the oceans collide it's a small world after all._

_Ok, song's over. Wow. I never realized I'd get bored talking to myself. I guess I better tell some things to people that I never have before. I hate dictionaries. They are boring. I have always wanted to try pot but could never find it. I found people who sold crystal meth, 'shrooms , acid and heroin down in the lower East end of Corneria's alleyways but no pot. It was by some weedy looking feline-dude in a restaurant called "Smoking the Bear." They served some illegal alcohol there. It tasted like cheese laced with tequila._

_Fox, never have two girlfriends at once. There's no such thing as a mistake. It's called a "not-my-fault-but-yours" sorta thingy. Whenever someone calls your name in an angry voice it usually gives away that you DID do something when you immediately say "I didn't do it." Just meekly ask what the person wants._

_My fav. type of cheese is Brie. I actually cannot stand sharp cheddar but am partial to mozzarella. Eden cheese is ok. When it's thunder storming outside be sure to lie flat on your back on the roof. Preferably next to the lightning rod while listening to your CD player or mp3 player or whatever. And finally—_

_AHH! I'm being shot at. It's Wolf O'Donnell. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_

"_Heh, I must say I enjoy your screaming like a little girl."_

_Oh goody. Leon's here as well. And Pigma's shooting at me. Must…shoot…back…erg. Ok, I finally shot Pigma and Andrew Oikanny down. It only took so long because Wolf keeps stalking me. EW! Wolf's creepy stalker._

"_Whatever you stupid fool. I'm going to kill you and present your carcass to Andross."_

_Sorry, that's where you're wrong. I'm going to present my own carcass to Andross. I don't need you to make me seem foolish. I can do it myself, thank you. NOOOOOO! I don't wanna die yet…_

Silence

Ok, I'm back on. Sorry about. I snuck through an escape tunnel and now I'm out of my Arwing. I've got the recorder thing attached to me. It's so shiny. Keh. Shiny.

_And I'm walkin and walkin and walkin and walkin and walkin and walkin and walkin_

"_JAMES MCCLOUD"_

_That's me. And I hear Andross in the distance. He's…a BRAIN! WTF! How the heck did he dislocate the rest of his limbs? And he's HUGE. Ok. I have to shoot the frontal lobes of his cerebral membrane._

_I'm back in my Arwing now and fighting him. I keep attacking him but he's so much bigger than my ship. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to gash open a part of his brain then I'll send a remote mine in there. Or two or three. Depends on how many times I can get to him._

_Did it once. And I'm swooping like the all-awesome person I am._

_Did it again…crap! He just took out my main wings. I'm outta here. I'm escaping through the fiery maze that leads me out. I only hope I choose the right paths. Help me Nemar, the all mighty god of ramen. Ok, let's see…right…right. left_

"_You will never escape James McCloud. You will forever be trapped here"_

_The sad thing is…he may be right. Ok, I'm almost out. I just have to pick the correct exit. Is it left or right? Left or right? I'm going…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

_Kkrrr…acccck…AHHH…YAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…_

**(end of recording)**

**(James's Epilogue)**

James blinked as he look up into a bright blue sky. He had been lying down on a field. His wounds were healed and there was a familiar figure in front of him. A familiar and beautiful adult vulpine. James recognized her immediately and ran over to her.

"Vixy! My darling you're alive again!"

No sooner than he had finished these sentences did Vixy smash him into the ground.

"I'm not alive you idiot, you died."

"RAMEN!"

END OF CHAPTER 8

**Hey there, this is Chibi Kaiyaska talking. Well, I hope you enjoyed the story. I'll take suggestions for future stories through reviews or email. One word of notice- if you must email me, please tell me who it is in the subject or I'll freak out and delete it.**

**James is not on fire anymore because he remembered to do "stop, drop and roll." BYE!**


End file.
